it's just another day now.

on the threshold

[na] — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:07:07 +0000

It’s going to be a relaxing weekend. somehow, I’ve managed to push aside my ‘to-do’ list and have convinced myself that it will all get done starting Monday.

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the threshold of something. Perhaps a new phase of my life? The transition into adulthood? I’m both excited and scared to move towards the ‘adult’ part of the ‘young adult’ label. Growing pains and anxieties. I swear, I’m starting to look into the mirror to find my first definitive wrinkle.

One new resolution for the year: enjoy the moments.

back to reality

[na] — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 02:10:49 +0000

I was just reading a friend’s blog where he commented on a trip to phuket being an escape from reality. well, i know EXACTLY how that feels.

for almost a month since I left for the States, I had been counting down. God knows I worked darn hard last semester – work, tuition, school, church etc. I just needed to get a way and not do any of it…and spend time with T. It was an awesome month. Being in the States brought back many memories and I was able to spend some time in Champaign laughing and catching up with friends. Travelled the east coast with T and his family and they were awesome too.

now that the holiday is over, I’m left with a slightly empty feeling. almost the same feeling I had when I got back from study abroad in this time last year. this time, I have a whole list of things to do and look forward to:

1) Honours Thesis/School

2) Work commitment

3) My tutees. I really love them.

4) Church – cell group, nursery etc.

5) Spending time at home

6) working out the whole Masters business

everytime I leave the States, it’s always a bit shitty because it means i’m going far far away from where T is. It’s bittersweet.

well, enough whinging.

On the flight back, I reflected on how thankful I hould be for all the people and opportunities in my life. I truly am thankful for many things.

As the new year settles in with me (or me with the new year, rather) my wish for the 2012 is simple and I hope it comes true: may the people in my life stay healthy and happy. to my friends and family: I love you, I really do!

still in the running…

[na] — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 14:36:19 +0000

it’s the last week of school and i’ve been battling ennui all of last week up till today. finally i feel a some sort of motivation to get down to work again. this semester i took on quite a bit: tuition jobs, part-time work…family responsibilities, church stuff and there’s the bit about being a senior in school as well. final year in uni is NOT a walk in the park…why oh why did I think it would be so?

come december, i’ll be back in Chicago. looking forward to the windy city and hoping that the air is cold and crisp. SNOW!

2 more assignments, 3 exam papers, HT research.

more de-stressing and procrastination can be found on fb, twitter and tumblr.

Time for a New List

[na] — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 03:40:52 +0000

It would seem that I’ve taken a long hiatus from this space. Not much has happened but many things are still ongoing…School has started and I shall say it again,”my 4th year isn’t as slack as I had envisioned it to be!” In fact, I’m doing more work now than I’ve ever done in the past 3 years.

Still, it’s a good time. My brain is exercising in new ways and I’m feeling myself stretch–body, mind and…soul?

Well, so much for coherence.

history and hindsight.

[na] — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:50:57 +0000

it is foolish to think about what could have happened.

a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z…

[na] — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 13:27:42 +0000

this past semester has been characterized by one thing: routine. personally, i like the comfort there is in routine because everything is organized, has its place and time and at its best, the routine helps ensure that things get done. productivity = feeling of success = pleased with one’s self. to some extent, the routine has also helped with building discipline–I am less inclined to pangseh something to do something else but it also compounds the guilt when I drop out of the routine to get some slack time. [fortunately, there is quite a bit of slack time factored into the routine...]

the problem, then is…that i’m bored? unchallenged? uninspired? unhappy?

not really, most of the time i’m quite happy with what I’m doing and there is enough flexibility within the routine for me to do things that I like.

perhaps the worst thing that has come out from this is my reluctance to embrace spontaneity as a result. thankfully, I have friends like @christine1411 who jerks me out of my routines and reminds me to live life a little more, take time out to walk around and talk, catch up and people-watch. tomorrow, i’m doing something spontaneous for myself and i’m excited!

I heard it from a friend
The Revolution never happened
Sigh
A little die
No more a child
Goodbye

No where’s the woolen sweater
You mentioned in the letter?
Imply
The other guy
And scandalize the lion

A clean shave in the morning
And a full beard with no warning
Time has gotten by on alibis and wine

Success is so forbidding
But it makes me think I’m winning
Quiet
Dim the lights
Adopt another lifestyle

You look like David Bowie
But you’ve nothing new to show me
Start another fire
And watch it slowly die

- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! “Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)

oh, hello exams for ay2010/11 semester 2…i haven’t forgotten about you. it’s just, you do not intimidate me as much as before because frankly (and i do not know why!) I don’t quite care as much this time round.Bleah! (insert otter face here).

someone needs to create a cinemagraph of otters now. t’would be the cutest tumblr.

on the fence

[na] — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 12:35:22 +0000

Why do I instinctively get defensive when I read comments that criticize the government, PAP, and the Civil Service?

Possible reasons:

1) The person who wrote it was being extremely reactionary; seemed clueless as to what he/she was really complaining about; was not rational; wanted to jump onto the anti-establishment bandwagon but does not know why he/she is doing it; did not sound credible enough for me to argue with…

– I just read about “listening” and how important it is to listen to voices from the ground (which I agree with completely) except that some people are really hard to listen to because they just want to complain and no matter what you give them, offer to them or try your best, BEST to help, they just want to complain and then they get really worked up about it!!

2) I feel that good chunk of the civil service is maligned. Personally, I have met many hardworking civil servants who work extremely hard to provide the best service to schools, parents and students in their capacity. I have also met leaders and bosses who listen to their employees, are not yes-men and who fight for those under them. Yes, offices that truly care about what’s right and what’s wrong, and what’s the best for the child do exist and I’m very proud to be associated with them. However, many of these people I’ve met are also very humble and would rather their work speak for itself and it warms my heart when their work is appreciated and Singaporeans take the time to say “thank you” and show gratitude.

–I also know bosses and employees of the opposite and I get very upset sometimes because I feel that they’re too content to be in their position (whether as a scholar, non-scholar but having a comfortable job as a civil servant…) and then make ill-informed, obnoxious statements/choices because their worldview is limited to their jobscope and tasklist.

3) I have become a drone of the system.

– Although I really hope not this is not true and will not become true.

Over the weekend, some friends made a casual remark about my status as a scholar and my reaction on the outside was: smile, nod, smile…indicating that yes, I’m happy to be a scholar. It has given me many opportunities, pays for my education and gives me a job I’m (still) passionate for and allows me to study a discipline I enjoy.

TANGENT: anybody read the article about the walking tour guide who gives a historical account of KL but avoids the politics of it? quite interesting. historians–do you shy away from politics and/or mathematics in your work? why yes, why no?

On the inside, I was being humbled. Perhaps to these friends, I’m considered an elite or someone who will “make it big” in the future because of career prospects and promotion opportunities but all I could think about was the hard work I need to put in to live up these expectations. As a civil servant, I have no grand illusions about being promoted and earning a comfortable salary–although I’d be glad for them and would want to be rewarded for my work. My dad’s experiences with scholars in his industry has not been a pleasant one and I have to remind myself each day that this “status” should not be taken for granted and I should never feel that I “have arrived” or am better than others.

I’m thankful to be a scholar, even if it comes with that social stigma and casual sneering and jeering. There are many good things that I can do because of the chances I’ve been given to observe and learn in various environments. I pray that when then time comes for me to put the good into action, rather than “just follow law”, I have the courage and faith to do so.

I must not be a drone.

A Strange Week

[na] — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 02:14:33 +0000

I’ve been having flu-like symptoms but I won’t self-diagnose and say it’s the flu because I really am not sure if that’s what it is. Inaccuracy has been bugging me lately and I’ve been trying not to jump to conclusions but to find empirical facts about things, particularly historical things, as much as possible. This might sound quite trivial and superficial but two posts ago, I was bogged down with an identity-crisis that revolved around the discipline of a history and studying history. The process that led to the teeny meltdown? Watch this:

Finish all assignments; in the midst of completing last mega-assignment I get distracted and read…BLOGS! (Tangent: I find a certain thrill when I stumble upon a blog of someone I know but am not quite close to and then I find out, “hey, he/she has a blog and they write quite a bit!” and then I dig and learn and read about their lives and am both fascinated and weird-ed out by how weird I myself, am.) While procrastinating, I go to my usual websites for entertainment news and tabloid gossip; then I do my research for my paper, write my paper and prepare for my exams.

While doing all that, it hits me: shouldn’t I be learning and trying to learn all about empirical facts, historical truths and accuracies?

Blogs, tabloidy sites, enterntainment news…that’s all kinda dodgy in terms of accuracy. Too many rumours, and “he-said-she-said” BUT I consume it all and it makes me giddy with excitement sometimes, well, too many times. It’s worse when I quote these facts to someone and then feel all proud of myself.

That’s when the realisation that I am a person full of fluff rather than intelligence sinks it.

I need to read better quality stuff.

oh wow. a whole post of absolutely nothing substantial.

ERPS.

A List

[na] — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 03:09:52 +0000

The semester is ending and these are some things I’d like to do over the summer break and hopefully, some of these things become life-long habits:

1) Study and revise for all my modules, including that darn politics of singapore one. oh drats!

2) Cook – Korean, pioneer woman book

3) Read – finally, FINALLY jump onto the Murakami bandwagon; food books (got a great list from Ruth Reichl’s speech at Stanford

4) Research for HT…USA, extra-territorality?

5) Study with my sister.

Now, the sky is turning grey and dark outside, I’m so thankful that I’m spending the whole day in, today. T is on Skype and he’s buried in a Neil Gaiman book.

An afternoon of kimchi-jeon awaits!

many things on my mind

[na] — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 14:56:05 +0000

The emotional response is a lot of jealousy, fear and insecurity–I feel like I’m not good enough or I’m doing something wrong. Without any warning, I’m shrinking back into this comfortable (yet scary) feeling of inadequacy and discouragement. A sense of…despair, perhaps. Yes, that would be an appropriate word.

Rationally, this is all bollocks. It’s my mind playing tricks on itself because the facts are that what I’m feeling is based out of something unreal…something imagined. Yet, I construct all these thoughts into some sort of narrative in my head and somehow, it all makes sense in that way.

What does it take, to be comfortable in your own skin?

–

I do wish I could sit in HY2259 next semester but Dr. Quek said no. We’re all too old then and the class is for second and third years. Plus, we’ll be having our historiography class. Been thinking (out loud, sometimes) about history as a discipline and what it means for me to be trained as one. Yeah sure, my writing has improved somewhat…I’m more attuned to works of fact or fiction but I’m also increasingly in a state of “figuring things out.” The more nuanced the discussion, the better! It seems as if I no longer lead my life in black & white no more. And the shades of grey are increasingly frustrating to deal with.