many things on my mind
April 14, 2011
The emotional response is a lot of jealousy, fear and insecurity–I feel like I’m not good enough or I’m doing something wrong. Without any warning, I’m shrinking back into this comfortable (yet scary) feeling of inadequacy and discouragement. A sense of…despair, perhaps. Yes, that would be an appropriate word.
Rationally, this is all bollocks. It’s my mind playing tricks on itself because the facts are that what I’m feeling is based out of something unreal…something imagined. Yet, I construct all these thoughts into some sort of narrative in my head and somehow, it all makes sense in that way.
What does it take, to be comfortable in your own skin?
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I do wish I could sit in HY2259 next semester but Dr. Quek said no. We’re all too old then and the class is for second and third years. Plus, we’ll be having our historiography class. Been thinking (out loud, sometimes) about history as a discipline and what it means for me to be trained as one. Yeah sure, my writing has improved somewhat…I’m more attuned to works of fact or fiction but I’m also increasingly in a state of “figuring things out.” The more nuanced the discussion, the better! It seems as if I no longer lead my life in black & white no more. And the shades of grey are increasingly frustrating to deal with.
